a mindfulness journey

My sister in law gave me a journal that I wanted to buy for myself but didn’t – because I’m on this whole pay off my student loans in only a few years thing…  Therefore I was really grateful to receive this gift.

It has been hard for me to keep up with my writing goals and sometimes I cringe at ‘New Year’s Resolutions’.  Maybe because I make so many of them during the year that a new date shouldn’t be anything different for me in my journey for self mastery and self improvement.

Whether I want to admit it or not there is a brand new year here.  We are 5 days into a year that used to sound so far away.  2017 would make me think of the Jetsons driving around in  space cars with robots as in home assistants.  No matter, the year is here.

My usual pep is hidden beneath a few layers of:

1) Anxiety – I start my first Master’s class in 4 days.  I’ve spent 250 on books already, I’ll owe 680 by March 25 – but I need to focus on the blessing of 80% of it being paid for by my employer.  It is all online and that scares me because I can’t lean and whisper to my neighbor in class to confirm assignments and due dates.  Truly I know I’m going to be fine.  It’s going to be great – but for some reason I feel the need to feel anxiety about it – maybe that is something I should shed in 2017?  Just because culturally anxiety is rampant – why do I feel the need to give into it?  Especially when I know this is what God has called me – and will equip me to do.

2) Regret – For whatever reason, it took until these past few months for me to finally realize that I need to hate my student loans and that I should be making every effort to pay them off as quickly as possible.  Reading (or should I say listening to on Audible) Rachel Cruz’s book (the daughter of famed money guru Dave Ramsey) Love Your Life, Not Theirs was monumental for me.  I could relate to her – she admits her own struggle in comparing her life to others of her age and the pressure of wanting to keep up with ‘the Joneses’.  She explains how our generation deals with so much greater pressure to keep up due to social media.  I regret not hating my student loans sooner and not getting a head start on them when I was still living at home.  I cancelled all my subscriptions; Audible, Spotify, Amazon Prime – even temporarily stopped supporting the child in Brazil – so I can free up money to throw at my loans.  I am praying for contentment to take over my heart because I don’t want to long for things that I know I can’t buy.  But I guess that is part of growing your character, right?  Self control and controlling your impulses for the greater goal.  Sucks though, I love my Audible.  I know #firstworldproblems.  It is amazing what we think we need and what we think we are privy to.  I can’t wait to pay off my car and loans and have my paycheck be free to invest and give and use as I want – not be slave to my lenders.

3) Doubt – As I begin this Master’s program, I am committing to 4-5 years of classes, several thousand out of pocket and a huge mental, emotional and physical time commitment.  What if at the end of it I don’t still truly know what it is I want to do and that amazing dream job isn’t at the end of the rainbow?

I know how to talk myself out of these three things but it doesn’t change the fact that they have been lingering.

These are serious times – wanting to pay off my loans in less than half the time is serious business – what if I fail?  Getting my masters in Nursing Leadership and Health Systems Management is a tall order – what if I can’t inspire and lead like I dream of doing?  I know I can’t do anything to change the past but as I now look at finances in a different light my heart aches at the stupid things I spent my money on and how I could be so much closer to financial freedom if only I had wised up earlier.

So how will I today begin the journey in myself?  Well I just did.  I admitted in digital ink those thoughts that have been keeping my excitement at bay – I guess now I can move on and be inspirational again.




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